How to talk to people

This is the first in a series which I intend to collect in a book. (Skip the green to get to the point)

One of my gifts is my ability to communicate with words. It is a gift I incidentally honed and enriched by way a few choices I made in my youth: Majoring in Communication at CU Boulder and waiting tables through college and (way, way … way) beyond.

Majoring in Communication was one of the best decisions I ever made. It was a the last of about half dozen majors I held through my first 5 years of college (those 10 years flew right by ;). And as one might guess … I chose it primarily to get out of school as fast as possible. I also had a good friend who told me it was an excellent course of study and was it ever.

Communication might be the most accessible, practical, and marketable skill taught in liberal arts. I had two outstanding COMM professors I remember vividly and fondly: Drs Stan Deetz and Bryan Taylor and I must mention my writing professor the venerable Dr Peter Kratzke. These three teachers shaped the best of what I offer in my work and life and I am eternally grateful.

If you are unsure of what to study; remember you can learn business by running a business; you can learn film by getting people coffee; but you cannot thrive in any industry without learning how to talk to people.

Some communication skills are unique to you and derivative or your confidence. I cannot explain or define them; the will manifest out of practice.. The fundamentals are simple (not necessarily easy) and can be introduced into your repertoire one at a time.

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Ask Questions

When you find yourself in the state of uncomfortable silence with another person; the best way to break this silence is to ask a question.

The silence is uncomfortable because you and the other person do not know each other; and so our animal brain tells us to: BE ON YOUR GUARD. Great advice for pre civilized humans encountering each other on the fertile crescent or at a frat party; terrible advice in most modern social situations.

Break that ice; ask a question. People love to talk about themselves. We live alone in our vast dreams full of wonderful thoughts and aspirations; observations and convictions; experiences and perspectives. The thoughts that make us happy and curious are dying to be shared.

Once you asked your question listen to their response. When people are sharing their thoughts they are giving you a gift; treat it as such. Listen to their response with grateful interest.

The first mistake people make is cuing in on the response and relating it to their own experience. Their mind shifts focus away from what the other person is saying and begins recalling their memory and is no longer listening. Then so often one makes the egregious mistake of following up the response with a regaling of their own experience. The person just tried to give them a gift and they said “I already have one just like it and it is bigger and better than yours”. The gift is lying on the floor; the giver feels rebuffed; and the silence becomes uncomfortable again.

Listen with grateful interest to every word and when they are finished ask another question. If possible one that dovetails from their response. Many times the other person will ask the same question back to you. This is good because it means they have open “the door” and are inviting you in. Answer in half the length of their response and ask that next following question.

The goal is for you to be listening more than you are talking. It will take practice to not sound like you are interviewing or interrogating the other person but this will come in time just be kind, cool, and curious. Relationships will grow. Silences becomes comfortable … Connection is the most beautiful sound in the world.

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“The wretched desert takes its form

The jackal proud and tight

In search of you I feel my way

Through slowest heaving night

Whatever fear invents

I swear it makes no sense

I reach out through the border fence

Come down, come talk to me

The earthly power sucks shadowed milk

From sleepy tears undone

From nippled skin as smooth as silk

The bugles blow as one

You lie there with your eyes half closed

Like there's no-one there at all

There's a tension pulling on your face

Come on, come talk to me

I can imagine the moment

Breaking out through the silence

All the things that we both might say

And the heart, it will not be denied

'Til we're both on the same damn side

All the barriers blown away”

- Peter Gabriel